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Ladies, Don't Buy Your Man a Thing for Father's Day

All year long, dads do what they're "supposed" to do.

Pen Name Jane said this last year, but we had to say it again.

Please, whatever you do, do not make your kids buy their dad anything for Father’s Day (especially a tie).

Fathers don’t want anything (unless it’s a Black 1962 Lincoln Continental Convertible with suicide doors). They don’t want boxer shorts or a singing card. They don’t want cologne or new socks. Do NOT believe the commercials. No dad ever told you to buy him anything; that was the “dad-like” guy on TV who seeped into your brain. If you have to spend money, then just go ahead and hand him the cash (not in ones).

Believe me, men aren't sitting around dreaming of a new Norelco Power razor or lusting after a World’s Greatest Dad mug. No man is sitting at Walgreen’s debating if he should spend money on a fog-free shaving mirror or a George Foreman Grill. Men don't window shop at Things Remembered, pining for an engraved money clip or monogrammed flask. If they want it, they figure out how to get it themselves. (They got you, remember?)

Men like gadgets, but it's the action behind them that they like more.

They don’t want to be pampered with a fancy Father’s Day brunch, and they certainly don’t want to sit around and have people watch them open gifts. What they want is to go enjoy a  game. They want to lie on the couch, naked but for socks, smoking a cigar while drinking from the carton. They want a nag-free day. They want to play video games while eating food that will NOT lower their cholesterol. 

I know picking out something useless is much easier. Click “Buy” and your job is done.

But how about for Father’s Day this year, let him do something you disapprove of, like excessively long golf trips, parachuting on a moonless night, or hunting wild hogs? (I know you don't want him to die, but it is just one day. Bump up his life insurance policy and let him go.)

Let him spend time with his friends (or his computer) without whining about when he’ll get back. If he likes to grill fish don’t buy him a organic seafood rub, get him some bait. Or if you really want to give him something, get down on your knees and thank him properly. (By kissing his tired feet?)

These poor men, for the whole year they go to work, they come home at night, they spend time with their kids. They do what they're supposed to do. They build pink tree houses, and dress up as Drosselmeyer for the Nutcracker. They stitch up bleeding heads and let their daughters put barrettes in their hair.

But there is still a warrior inside of them, a hunter, a hero; they deserve to feel masculine again. So this year for Father’s Day, let Dad be a man.

Give me a Father's Day gift by clicking "Like" on my Facebook page.

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